Doubting Me isn't Doubting You...

Where my head is at right now...

"You are God and You are Sufficient. I don't doubt Your love or Your creation... But Right now I doubt ME. Your Grace, My Faith, This Love... is nothing less than it was yesterday, but I struggle and I need to lay that in front of You. I'm sorry for not bringing my pain to You more often, but You are my God and I love You... even when I struggle to love Me."

I'm hurting so bad and it's really not because of anything valid.

There are hard times in my life right now... Roommate is breaking lease, work is a struggle, money is an even worse struggle, and my boyfriend is very far away...

...but none of those are why I hurt.

I hurt because right now I'm fighting the strongest foothold Satan has in my life...
Insecurity.

I look at this body... I FEEL the way I feel in this body and I HATE it.

It's not just that I don't think I'm attractive and I'm sad about it... but I genuinely Loathe what I've done to myself. I've recently kicked myself into gear and it's paying off...

but when I'm not PERFECT...

or when I miss a workout or eat a little worse than I should...

I feel worthless.

Insufficient.

Failed.

Am I any of those things? Heck no!

Am I any less of a Christian for these reasons? Absolutely not.

But what kind of example am I setting for those who are weaker or newer in their faith.

What am I telling those who doubt the whole Christianity thing to begin with?

Well, for one, it's ok to hurt. God never promises things will be easy peasy following in His steps. And they aren't. Satan is a vicious creature.

But I'm also obviously not trusting. Not... accepting... that God is at work and I am His wonderful creation. I know these things, and I believe them, but I don't always live them. And I need to.

Tonight my friend helped me see some of this... The conversation hurt, and I hate that I get hurt so easily, but at the same time, it was a new chance to look at some things. And it's been a big help.

Still hurts, but hurt can be good.

Refining takes pain. but that's ok.

I guess I'm done rambling at you for tonight... I'll leave you with a verse I love...

Hebrews 10:14 "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."

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