The funny thing about Apathy, is that it's so often paired with all of its opposites. At least in my life. I find that when I'm the most apathetic towards my environment and my friends I'm also the most sensitive and emotional. These past few months have been really hard for me. Don't get me wrong, in the grand scheme of things I recognize that I am blessed beyond reason, but sometimes things are just hard. Unfortunately, I let this get the best of me, and instead of becoming angry or rebellious, I just became apathetic. Did I let God disappear from my life or completely shut out everything? No. Not even close. I did a lot of growing and a lot of learning in this time, both about myself and about our Amazing God. But I still faced much around me with apathy. Not just the big things like taking care of myself and my job performance, but also the small things like cleaning and sleeping well.
This past week I went on a cruise with my family and my best friend. Which, of course, was awesome. It had it's draw backs, I was worrying about some problems happening back at my house and I couldn't contact anyone back home or use the internet. It also meant a LOT of time with my parents when I didn't always want it. ;] But for reasons beyond just the awesomeness of cruising to the Caribbean and the frustrations of missing someone... It has had some major ramifications in my everyday life.
This apathy feels like some ice cocoon I've been living in, numbing me to everything around me. And today it's beginning to feel as if that ice cocoon is thawing. I'm starting to feel like ME again. It's pretty amazing. Now, I've had some major life-changing decisions happen in the last couple of days... And these may be partially to blame for this change. But I think taking a week off from work and really getting away from my everyday rut have really been the reason. I think I needed that time to be with my best friend and talk about where we were in our lives and our relationships with God. Time to just relax and lay across a bed. To just have fun and not worry.
So I'm committed:
To getting my body to a goal.
To taking care of my things and my environment.
To increasing my job performance.
To doing something for me everyday.
To being the best version of me I can be.
To keeping my finances stable.
To planning for the future.
To him. <3
And most importantly...
To working every single day on my walk with God.
I hope I can also be committed to writing things down on here frequently. Not because anyone out there depends on me to write this, but because anyone out there can read what I say... and the more vocal I am the more I have to be responsible for doing what I say.
Time to go get some organizing done and write some post-its for my desk. :] Have a wonderful 1-11-11 today!
First of All... It's been a whole year, wow. I know no one out there is an avid reader... But I still dislike that I walked away for so long. But I'm back! :]
The following is something I wanted to post as a status in response to something on facebook... but it's way too long to make a status and splitting it up makes it harder to read... So I'm posting it here so I can make my point somewhere, whether anyone reads it or not...
To anyone posting... "We can't say Merry Christmas, it's Happy Holidays. We can't call it a Christmas tree. It's now called a Holiday tree because it might offend someone. If you don't like our "American Customs" and it offends you, then LEAVE. No one asked you to come here in the first place! I will continue to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS & CHRISTMAS TREE". If you agree with this please post this as your status, if not, don't complain!"... You clearly don't understand which of our rights are being trampled on... It's not about "American" customs... it's about religion. And people saying that Christmas excludes other non-christian faiths whereas Holiday is inclusive...and tolerant. I'm sorry, but I believe in Celebrating Christ's birth (even though, yes, Our Christmas is based off of a pagan holiday... it now has a real meaning, historically accurate time-wise or not) at Christmas... Not in spreading Holiday Cheer so everyone everywhere can have warm fuzzies. I love christmas. Everything fun and cheesy and cheery about it... But those things aren't its purpose... And I'm not going to stop saying Christmas because it's not PC or Tolerant enough. I'm going to say Christmas because, thanks to the separation of Church and State... I have the right to.
There's so much more I could say to this, but I needed to get this out. And that's going to be enough for now. :]
I'll be getting back to you again soon... So much has changed! So much hasn't... but there's been a lot of work done by a pretty amazing God. :]
"You are God and You are Sufficient. I don't doubt Your love or Your creation... But Right now I doubt ME. Your Grace, My Faith, This Love... is nothing less than it was yesterday, but I struggle and I need to lay that in front of You. I'm sorry for not bringing my pain to You more often, but You are my God and I love You... even when I struggle to love Me."
I'm hurting so bad and it's really not because of anything valid.
There are hard times in my life right now... Roommate is breaking lease, work is a struggle, money is an even worse struggle, and my boyfriend is very far away...
...but none of those are why I hurt.
I hurt because right now I'm fighting the strongest foothold Satan has in my life... Insecurity.
I look at this body... I FEEL the way I feel in this body and I HATE it.
It's not just that I don't think I'm attractive and I'm sad about it... but I genuinely Loathe what I've done to myself. I've recently kicked myself into gear and it's paying off...
but when I'm not PERFECT...
or when I miss a workout or eat a little worse than I should...
I feel worthless.
Insufficient.
Failed.
Am I any of those things? Heck no!
Am I any less of a Christian for these reasons? Absolutely not.
But what kind of example am I setting for those who are weaker or newer in their faith.
What am I telling those who doubt the whole Christianity thing to begin with?
Well, for one, it's ok to hurt. God never promises things will be easy peasy following in His steps. And they aren't. Satan is a vicious creature.
But I'm also obviously not trusting. Not... accepting... that God is at work and I am His wonderful creation. I know these things, and I believe them, but I don't always live them. And I need to.
Tonight my friend helped me see some of this... The conversation hurt, and I hate that I get hurt so easily, but at the same time, it was a new chance to look at some things. And it's been a big help.
Still hurts, but hurt can be good.
Refining takes pain. but that's ok.
I guess I'm done rambling at you for tonight... I'll leave you with a verse I love...
Hebrews 10:14 "because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy."
Etymology: Middle English feith, from Anglo-French feid, fei, from Latin fides;akin to Latin fidere to trust — more at bide
Date: 13th century
1 a:allegiance to duty or a person:loyaltyb (1): fidelity to one's promises (2):sincerity of intentions
2 a (1): belief and trust in and loyalty to God (2): belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion b (1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2):complete trust 3:something that is believed especially with strong conviction;especially: a system of religious beliefs
Tonight I prayed what may have been the hardest prayer of my life. And I typed it as I was praying, because I was praying with someone... for someone, so I typed it for them. I want to share this prayer with you, I'll leave out the name, but I think we could all use a little bit of this prayer...
Father, I fall before you, my heart aching for ___. I see so much of you and your love and your beauty in him, but he doesn't see it, he doesn't know how to really aceept you and let you be God of His life and his heart. But he needs you to help him see that and understand that. You tell us that Faith is a gift from you, none of us would understand and have faith if you didn't grant it to us, so that we can't claim and glory or make any boast. so we need you god... we need your faith. I know i'm not perfect and i always needs a greater strength in my faith. i need you. and ___ needs you too. he wants it, but he's scared and it's hard and he needs you to help him open up and try. to soften his heart, to understand the faith he sees in me... he needs that beautiful grace that you give me every single day. you are my reason, and i'm sorry i don't live more honorably, i am so thankful for the love you have for me, and that you grant me to share with everyone, use that love to continue showing ___ who you are and that you CAN be his father and savior too. let me show him what it means to trust you, even when things are hard. if that means leading me into trials so i can be an example, i will praise you for your refining love.. thank you god for your love and yoru grace, please shower it on ___, please soften his heart and grant him faith.
Ok, as I said, one of the hardest prayers of my life. Besides the entire subject matter being something that my heart aches about... it was the hardest because of the part in bold. It's been a long time since my desire for God, for His kingdom, has been so strong that I would ask for trials. But it is worth it, and it is a blessing. And I will count it joy. :]
As for the entire subject matter of the prayer... and of this blog... Faith. (A Lot of passages, I know. Stick with me, Read those you want, I will get to a point)
Acts 15:9
He made no distinction between us and them, for he purified their hearts by faith.
Romans 3:21-23
21But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. 22This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, 23for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Romans 3:28
For we maintain that a man is justified by faith apart from observing the law
Romans 5:1-5
1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Ephesians 2: 4-10
4But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9not by works, so that no one can boast. 10For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
1 Timothy 1:14
The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.
Hebrews 11:1
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
Hebrews 12:2
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
James 2:5
Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him?
There are Certain Aspects of Faith that I think we forget to reiterate to people. Salvation/Grace comes through Faith alone... but on top of that, That faith is not our own! We have faith because God grants it to us. And sometimes I find myself on my knees, begging for greater faith because I'm just not feeling it. I know it's there, but I know that it could be so much more! I'm not the first or the last I'm sure, in Luke we see confirmation...
Luke 17:5
The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"
The apostles asked for an increase in faith, what's to make me better than any other person and deny what I need. This is why, with my friend, that's what he is doing. He wants faith, and so he is praying for it.
One passage I thought the most accurate and true for where I am right now... what I want to say to this friend and shout to the entire world...
1 Corinthians 2:1-5
1When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God.[a] 2For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 3I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. 4My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, 5so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power.
I'm no scholar, I'm simply a girl in love with her awesome creator, and I want to share that love and an awesome God with those I love in my life.
Thanks to those of you who read the entire thing, your time and input means a lot to me. :]
oh, and I think I found a new "life verse..." simply because it is the verse that most accurately describes who I am at my very core... you all will remember the blog about love, true?
Galatians 5:6
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
I'm so sorry that I'm TERRIBLE at this. I really do want to keep up with my blog a little better...
Where I'm At:
This are more confusing than ever with him... But I feel a better peace about it. I truly believe God is with me on this one. :]
Some plans have to wait. It isn't preferred, but it is what it is.
New jobs are a blessing... and occasionally a curse. I'm so busy right now!! Hence the quiet on here lately. Sorry. The best part is doing something I love and getting more hours and thus more money. The worst part? Feeling useless while I relearn and get used to the things I don't know. I'm trying, but for right now I feel more a hindrance than a help at times.
This coming weekend will be the best in a LONG time. I love my friends :]
I started a book... And then I got busy. :[ Motivation, where have you gone? I want to finish this book, I need you guys to encourage me!
Cleaning is getting TIRESOME. I can't seem to keep this place clean, I hate feeling like I can't catch up :[
Anyway, catch me up on your lives or just leave me a hello. I miss writing, I miss how good it feels to just sit down and let something out.
A friend and I were talking today about me waiting to meet "the one." I think I used the phrase Mister Right :p And yeah, I really want to meet Mr. Right... But I know it's God's timing, not mine. Joking around I said who knows, maybe it's him. And we just kinda laughed about it at first. However, he suddenly turned serious and asked me... Are you willing to fight for it? I wasn't sure if he meant for him or in general. So I asked and he basically said Yes, me... Or the man you love.
I was a bit... taken aback at the question. Not only cause it was partially directed at our friendship, but because it was something I never considered. I assumed the answer, but never thought about it.
So... Am I willing to fight for the man I love. Essentially, am I willing to fight for love?
My answer? a resounding YES!!!
followed by a GIANT BUT
Yes, I'm willing to fight for love, for the man I love...BUT... I will NOT give up my standards. I guess you might not care, this might not be "blog-worthy," but it was an important revelation in my life.
I've sacrificed my standards before, and it's not something I can do again. God created me to be the person that I am, and it is not fair of me to ever Deny that. I can use refining and change in His honor, but giving up some part of who I am so I can be with someone is unacceptable. Absolutely and completely unacceptable.
Does that negate my statement of a willing to fight? You might perhaps say yes... But I don't think so. There is a difference between fighting for love and settling because my emotions override my needs.
I NEED a fellow Christian to be my family's Spiritual Leader
I NEED someone who isn't hours away. I gave long distance one last shot and got my heart broken...
I NEED someone who wants what I want. I can't be with someone who has different goals than me. That just leads to heart break.
I NEED to trust this person with everything.
I NEED someone who respects my desire to save sex for marriage.
That's IT. Why is that so hard for some people? I don't know. I guess because that isn't the world most of us were raised into. But those are my standards... My MUST HAVES... And I'm not willing to give those up anymore. I'm sorry... But I can't.
Beyond that, I'll fight tooth and nail for the man I love, but how can I love someone who asks me to give up any of these? That's just stupid.
Ok, probably not offensive in a way most of you might expect... But It will probably offend some of you. Honestly, I don't care, I'm sharing something important to me and I hope that that's enough of a reason for you to not be offended.
The following is my side of a conversation that I had last night with a good friend. I'm not sharing any of this person's words, just my own... I omitted only a few unnecessary lines that were spoken in response to said person, otherwise it's all exactly as I said it last night.
This particular post isn't meant to convert anyone, and it's not nearly as offensive as what I intend to write tomorrow... but this Post will give many of you a deeper idea of who I am and how I function. It will also make the rest of the things I may write in the future less offensive. I hope. Anyway... On we go. :]
Disclaimer: To my Non-Christian Friends Bear with me. Know that I say this for all of you
To my Christian Friends... I don't necessarily mean you in the first or last statements, but it wasa blanket statement, and I said I'd be honest about what I typed.
To all my English Major friends... excuse the bad typing and grammar and spelling... I was in an IM, I wasn't trying to be perfect. Deal with it :P
ME: Wanna know what makes me the most different from all the christians i know?
ME: I try to find my very being and source for self... in Gods love.
ME: do you know much about the structure of the english language?
ME: lol.Ok... there are 6 different kinds of verbs.
ME: verbs tell the action...the verbs will be capitalized in the following sentences...
ME: she WALKED home from school
ME: Michael ATE a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
ME: i AM tired.
ME: anyway...one kind of verb is the BE verb.
ME: am, is, are, were, was...
ME: the verb to be is conjugated... I AM, you Are, She IS, we ARE, they ARE... past tense... I was, You were, she was, we were, they were...
ME: these verbs... BE verbs... express actual equivalence.
ME: i AM tired... when i say I am tired, that is the equivalent to what I am at that moment.
ME: right?
ME: a BE verb is like an equal sign
ME: 1 John 4:8 and 1 John 4:16 both say, and I quote "God IS Love"
ME: So... that equates God with Love. True?
ME: So... I figure... if my God is the equivalent... the verying being of love... why should I be any less?
ME: so, that is why I am who I am... i strive to Love like God... and that makes a lot more non-christians listen to what i have to say... because once they know me, they know that what I say is based on love and not on a desire to manipulate or "win" a friend to God. ya know?
